2018-05-14 ---------- the will to win a shrill whistle sounded in the gymnasium. the hundreds of students present slowly ceased their previous physical activity and slowly congealed around the center court. "alright, that's enough air badminton. now we're playing basketball. full court. everyone on the left of this line, you're on a team now. congratulations. play ball!" the whistle spurted again painfully. we looked around at each other, dumbfounded. basketball? there were over a hundred kids milling about, picking their noses, ignoring the gym teacher. suddenly a basketball hit me in the face, knocking my glasses to the floor. in a mad rush for the ball, the nearest thirty high schoolers trampled my hands as i reached down for them. the ball had passed to sebastien, a small quivering being not especially known for his athletic prowess. as hordes of ballers clambered towards him, sebastien simply threw the ball straight up into the air. the ball bounced and was picked up by josh, the star player of the enemy team. he began to dribble toward our goal, but quickly a clot formed around him, obstructing further movement. soon the clot grew with members from both teams, vying for a chance to pass the ball or intercept. i tried to forget about the glasses. rage welling up inside me, i pushed in through the encircling throng toward the center and ripped the ball out of josh's hands. "GIMME THAT FUCKING BALL!" i screamed and hurled the ball over the heads of the crowd, toward our goal. "FOUL!" and a shrill whistle. the gym teacher made a jerking "come here" motion with his clipboard and pointed at the ground. i dutifully walked over, angrily maintaining eye contact with what was supposedly my team. "now listen up!" i yelled from the sidelines blindly, "there's too many people to play basket ball the usual way. form squads with the nearest ten. pick the best at basketball. that's your dribbler. he keeps the ball at all times. pick the worst at basketball. you're a delegate. delegates come to me. the rest are guards. guards, you keep the enemy team away from your dribbler at any cost. this is war!" the kids looked around at each other. what? who is this guy. is he talking to me? he just took that ball! a few small squads had formed and were maneuvering around in formation. one of them had the ball and was advancing toward the enemy goal. its guards were shuffling alongside in a sort of turtle formation with the dribbler at the center. clearly someone had heard my instructions and was following them. "all right! if you suck at basket ball come here!" i yelled again. surely there were others in the same predicament, sorry schmucks who hated basketball and just had to be here, but whose grade in PE depended nonetheless on the outcome of this farce. the gym teacher was yelling at some big black kid from the other team? clearly something was going on, but i decided to ignore it. i made beckoning motions to the fuzzy blob on my left. a few nerds and losers wobbled around hesitantly. now what. "gentlemen, i'm so glad you came. delegates, i presume? if you're a delegate, step over here." i motioned to the right. three of the dozen or so nerds assembled to the right. "well, that's not quite as many as i had hoped. but this is what we have. now, since this is war, communication is important. making clear, concise, simple instructions is our imperative. this is the brain, and you three are the spine. stand up straight. we have a job to do." i stood up straight as by example, and the various pasty bespectacled bowl cuts looked up from the floor as if watching television. one of the delegates, matt i think his name was? walked closer to the center and took a deep breath. "ok i'm a delegate i guess. what are my instructions?" he looked around at the assembled losers and punks. not a chance in hell. still without my glasses, i had no idea what was going on out there. pretty much all i could see was the ten or so kids in front, standing right on the sidelines by the penalty box, neatly marked out in masking tape. "jeffrey's trouncing us, three to zero. he just walks right through our squads." offered an amorphous blob i'd never even heard speak before. "better stop that guy." the blob turned bashfully toward the assembled civilians. "ok, um, whoever you are. you just got promoted to the eyes of the emperor." i nodded in his direction. "lorrie, i'm lorrie." the blob said. i nodded again. i had no idea who lorrie was. but at least people seemed to be playing along. "delegates, deliver this message. bring the largest guard from each squad here. they are to join the strike force. when you've delivered your message return quickly." the five or so delegates who had assembled had now dispersed and we looked at each other blankly. a whistle screeched from the other side of the gymnasium. "has anyone seen my glasses?" i said to the air above. at just that moment, sebastien appeared and miracle of miracles he had my glasses in hand. a little bent but serviceable. as i fiddled with the glasses he cleared his throat, a warbling songbird in spring. "that was amazing, what you did. just grabbing the ball like that. i'm sorry i just dropped it. i didn't realize..." he was looking at the ground, but smiling, now frowning, now grinning again. "so... you're the emperor? i want to join your army. i mean, that is, if you're accepting army people now. or like, some kind of secret agent or something, that would be cool too." he was staring off into the bleachers somewhere, clearly not interested in whatever was going on out on the court. "sebastien right? thanks. you have a..." just then about twenty huge sweaty dudes showed up, delegates in tow. "hey." the lead giant intoned. "i'm no good at guarding. what do you want us to do." the lead baritone peered down, eclipsing the overhead court lights. "ah the strike force. thank you. yes. we have a special mission for you..." i outlined the details of how they were to interfere with jeffrey's rampage through our territory, a mix of red rover hand holding and phalanx maneuvering. the bearded giants seemed to understand, but just to be sure they knew what a phalanx was, i demonstrated bodily with limp-wristed sebastien and the clammy lorrie. such are the sacrifices we must make in war. the empire needed me. the gym teacher was eyeing me suspiciously. my penalty time had long since expired, but i was still sitting in the penalty box. he pointed toward the center while looking in my direction. i nodded and stood, gingerly stepping over the masking tape. sigh. now mortal again, but not to be forgotten. "my beautiful imperial palace. alas." a few nerds snickered but most gogged in the general direction of the enemy goal, mouths hanging open. our team had advanced quite far with the new tactics, but the enemy had started forming squads as well. "lorrie what's going on out there?" i waved dismissively at the court. i hadn't been paying much attention, with all the barking orders and square dancing. "well it looks like they've got jeffrey pretty well trapped. our squads are free to maneuver, but enemy squadrons have been harrying our flanks. as long as we can keep the ball, we're good. it seems like the other team doesn't know what to do once they get the ball though." he chirped happily, shampooed hair bouncing unnaturally in the glaring lights. this eyes of the emperor thing was working better than expected. basketball. with a hundred people? get real. this needed more thought. i motioned at the clump of nerds to the left, with a courtly flourish. "generals, strategists. you have assembled here to contribute your insight and tactics to our cause, but we are lacking in delegates to convey our wisdom to the crowds. sadly, i must call on the bravest of you to go forth and bring me a chariot, an elite guard. only the worst will do. oh and get more delegates. yeah." i nodded to myself. and the nerds nodded at each other. and soon we were all nodding, and an expedition of five brave souls ventured out onto the field of battle, warily skirting enemy formations and making their way through the throng to our assembled phalanx, which was locked in a death grip with the enemy phalanx in the center of the court. it had swelled to nearly half the team on both sides, a giant game to see who could push the hardest toward the goal. basketball? "eventually they will figure out what is going on, and we're going to face some real resistance." i said to nobody in particular. "we're going to need our own guard before the enemy tries to disrupt operations here. they at least know i am the emperor, but everyone kind of looks alike out on the court. so. i will stay here and retire, while you guys make the day to day decisions necessary to run things out there and report back through lorrie and sebastien." delegates for delegating delegations. well, it was better than playing basketball at least. and all i had to do was praise my loyal soldiers, fire the incompetents, and threaten to excommunicate the rebels from time to time. once i got the mobile command unit deployed, the senate never gave me any more trouble. we ended up winning, thirty three to fifteen. after the game, the entire hundred lined up in formation and kneeled to their emperor. i waved beneficiently to my triumphant legion. i got a demerit for non-participation and one foul.